I am writing this because for months the sadness has slowly been CONSUMING me. I feel so purposeless and no matter who I reach out to it feels like my pleaas for answers begin to fall on deaf ears. I am a slave to many addictions, porn, cigarettes, video games; just to name a few. Going outside gives me panic attacks, I make every move in my power with withdraw from all social situations and the only thing I truly value in my life is my own comfort. Psyhical, mental, I live my life wrapped in blankets, my body numbing by the day and terrified of the criticims of my character that the day will bring me My only true obligation to leave the house is my 12 hour a week part time job. I'm 21 now, and I've never felt more pathetic. I'd reach out to more people bunt I only care about myself! I don't want to only care for myself but I just cant help but feel much for others. I cannot sympathise with thier struggles, I cannot be happy for their achievements.
I see eroticism in everything. It's strange because I yearn fot a deeper connection with eroticism, I wish I could be "sexy". Pinterest is full of drawings of anime men and women in white bodysuits, sexy dresses, heels, etc. This is what I want to be. If I could guarantee it would be hot I would absolutely make porn of myself I think. Perhaps I have some kind of undiscovered sexual trauma. I want flawless skin, I want the erfect build, I want to embody beauty in a way that confuses people; beauty that shakes their core ideas of what is erotic to begin with. Related to this I think I could be trans. Infact I already came out as trans, gave myself a name and then quietly slipped back into the closet. My transness has maniftesed itself from my desire to be beautiful I believe. Though I loathe the term autogynapehlia, I worry quite often that I only think I could be trans because of a fetish, though I don't think this is the case. Being a man makes me feel disgusting, and god forbid I want to be hot. Maybe if I did porn I would find myself a purpose, it's more creative and artistic than anything I do with my time anyway.